im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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