Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
