party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
