SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
