I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize