I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
