My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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