my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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