I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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