Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Are we still banned from the library?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
