pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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