I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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