I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
my liver is dry heaving
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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