you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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