what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
