The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
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