Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
