My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
