I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's official drugs can't kill me
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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