4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
