it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So here I am, sexting at work.
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