Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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