Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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