I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
