I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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