Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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