yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
