The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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