I wish I could punch you in the face.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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