i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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