Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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