I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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