so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Found your dick twin last night
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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