I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
