i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize