Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
