maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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