I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
