Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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