I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Green mimosas i think yes
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Randomize
