so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
