How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
try to milk me bitch
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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