my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
