dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
