ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I will die if light touches me.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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