So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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