I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
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