connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
