I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
