I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The power of my boobs compel you
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
