Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
