You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
