just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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