I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Also, beer. Big fan.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
