Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
