no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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