i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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