I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
