I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
