...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
