He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
