what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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